First off, I’m not fighting with my wife (Insert “smile” emoticon here). I was however looking through old notes and came across this topic and was incredibly thankful that God’s word makes clear a way for resolving sin in marriage. For many, you’ve been doing this for so long it’s second nature. But for others, it might be new. Or you may simply be in a spot where you need a reminder.
The first reminder is that the only thing that needs to be forgiven is sin. Not idiosyncrasies, not accidents, only sin. And we have to be careful that we don’t make a difference or a moment into sin. Sometimes a husband may want to assign emotion to the category of sin because he doesn’t feel so deeply (except maybe hunger). Sometimes a wife can feel like a husband’s lack of communication is an offense. To be sure both of these can be or do become sin, but reproof is not the place to start.
Second we have to know what to do about sin. There are two biblical options: Cover or Confront. In Proverbs 19:11 we’re told “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” Peter echoes this wisdom, going a step further in 1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” It’s a good habit in marriage to cover the sins of your spouse in love. Two sinners living together in tight quarters are bound to produce more than a few offenses but there’s both honor and love in overlooking the weakness of the other.
When a sin can’t or shouldn’t be covered, when the hurt is too deep, or the effects to dangerous, or the pattern too strong, then it is time for confrontation. Jesus commanded it (Mt 18:15-17) and Paul captures both the timing and tone in Galatians 6:1–2: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” That sense of self-awareness which says “I’m in just as much danger of likewise sinning” goes a long way toward confronting well. And that doesn’t mean merely a pious introduction, “I’m just as much a sinner as you…” but thinking on your own sin and past occasions of sin so that it is with sympathy that you confront.
Third, we have to know what to do when our sin is confronted. It won’t work to have one partner identifying sin and another running from acknowledging that sin. The steps are simple
- Acknowledge you’ve sinned against her/him…”You’re right. What you said is true. I sinned.”
- Identify your specific sin by its biblical name…”I was being selfish. Love isn’t supposed to be selfish” (1 Cor 13:5).
- Acknowledge the harm your offense caused the one offended…”Because I was only thinking of me I made you’re life much harder.”
- Identify alternative biblical behavior to demonstrate repentance…”I should have thought of the consequences before I did that because you deserve a higher place in my thinking. I should have sacrificed what I wanted to I could think of the whole family.”
- Ask for forgiveness…”Will you forgive me?”
While that process is simple, the difficulty of actually following through with this is so great it demands the help of the Creator of the Universe. So don’t expect this to go well apart from the empowering of the Holy Spirit.
Finally, on the other side of the equation, forgiveness has to be granted. Forgiving, contrary to popular notions, is not forgetting. Forgiving is all about the forgiver making commitments:
- I won’t bring up again against the one I’m forgiving
- I won’t discuss hit or her sin with others
- I won’t dwell on the sin myself
- I won’t allow this to hinder our relationship
And those points aren’t a description of your feelings. Don’t be confused. You may still feel very hurt by the sin against you. You may have trouble trusting or moving on or letting go. But in spite of those, you commit to act the forgiveness out. And it’s a Gospel driven performance on your part. Nowhere is that made more clear than by Paul in Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (cf. Col 3:13).
Covering, confronting, confessing, and forgiving are hard work. They take practice. And they’re are plenty occasions to practice on this side of glory. If you go too long between having to do one of those four it might be a sign of super-sanctification, but more likely it’s a sign of self-deception. If this doesn’t seem relevant, go ask your spouse. You might find you have some work to do.
Scotty is a native of Santa Anna, Texas. He graduated from the United States Air Force Academy in 1994 and completed his Masters of Divinity at Greenville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in 2005. Scotty’s Air Force service of eleven years included time as a Security Forces Officer protecting nuclear weapons and also instructing at Officer Training School before being called into pastoral ministry. He and his wife Kerry are parents of three children, Clayton, Avery, and Grace.
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