You know the phrase, “The elephant in the room”? We use it to refer to issues obvious to everyone but studiously ignored because if it gets brought up, people are likely to get testy. Sometimes in corporate worship the “elephant in the room” is actually a child. A noisy infant. A snoozing preteen. A squirmy four year old. Each one is a reminder that though children are a blessing and reward (Psalm 127:3-5) they do not equally or evenly make themselves a blessing to everyone at all times.
Sometimes, in well-intentioned fashion, people take a smattering of verses on children and draw conclusions which aren’t really warranted. For instance, I’ve talked to many people who’ve taken Jesus welcoming and blessing small children despite the protests of the disciples (Mt 19:13–15, Mark 10:13–16, Luke 18:15-17) to mean that children should always be in worship under virtually any circumstance. At face value who wants to argue with that? To suggest that some children shouldn’t be in worship puts you in the category of the rebuked disciples. You’re now arguing with Jesus which is to be generally unspiritual and perhaps even a child-hater. But we should give the passage a second look. Frequently neglected in the discussion is that the context for this episode was Jesus teaching publicly in a village in Judea among a mixed multitude of laity, Pharisees, and disciples. Many were coming to Jesus (Mt 19:1-2, Luke 17:11ff) specifically to experience an immediate blessing from the direct physical presence of Christ. The same was true for the parents who brought their children and babies (Mt 19:13. Mark 10:13, Luke 18:15). And the point Jesus makes from the episode is that adults (both Pharisees and disciples) should receive the kingdom/come to Christ, as a child, i.e., with child-like faith. If we take this passage as an impetus for always bringing small to children to a worship service we’ve lost both the context and the instruction. Indiscriminately bringing a child into a worship will hardly satisfy what Christ is asking.
We could likewise be instructed by Jairus, the synagogue ruler (Luke 8:40-56). When his twelve year old daughter was sick he left her at home and came himself pleading for Christ to visit his house and heal her. Jairus is both reasonable and faithful. He came to Christ while he left his daughter at home. He’s not rebuked for having deprived his daughter of a blessing by approaching Jesus without physically carrying her to Him. And note the key element in the instructions of Jesus. It comes in Luke 18:50, “Do not fear; only believe, and she will be well.” Faith is what is extolled.
Our obedience to Christ in letting the children come is demonstrated in a host of ways: by their baptism, by family devotions, by Bible reading, by instruction, by conversation, by discipline, by Christian education, by example, by community, and by our desperate prayers. Each are to be done appropriately, modestly, in season, and according to understanding and maturity. It’s not a method. It’s a way of living. And because it is a path of wisdom we need to consider both principles and practices when bringing children into worship.
With Respect to Our Congregation
Start by recognizing two fundamental and universal principles that ought to carry significant weight with us:
- The Love Principle – The first principle is simple. Old Testament (Lev 19:18) and New Testament (Mt 22:39) agree. Doing unto others (Mt 7:12) means taking into consideration how other people feel. When considering bringing your child into worship, what is the loving thing to do for your neighbor. You don’t assume super-human hearing, imperviousness to disease, or infinite patience in others because you know you don’t have those abilities yourself. So if your child becomes a distraction, love your neighbor enough to take your child out of the sanctuary. Or even better, if you suspect at the outset that your child will become distracting, use the nursery, training room, or the at home option until the condition or circumstances pass.
- The Heart Principle – The second principle is a matter of theology. The Reformers never viewed worship as magically sanctifying. In other words, no one get credit just for showing up. The benefits and the purpose of worship demand an engaged heart (Ps 9:1, 19:14, 51:17, Is 29:13, Mt 15:8). Consider Westminster Confession 21:5, “Of Religious Worship, and the Sabbath Day”:
The reading of the Scriptures with godly fear, the sound preaching and conscionable hearing of the Word, in obedience unto God, with understanding, faith, and reverence, singing of psalms with grace in the heart; as also, the due administration and worthy receiving of the sacraments instituted by Christ, are all parts of the ordinary religious worship of God: beside religious oaths, vows, solemn fastings, and thanksgivings upon special occasions, which are, in their several times and seasons, to be used in an holy and religious manner.
Those words above in bold are words of cognition and engagement. Both the ability to worship and benefits of worship are dependent on mature thinking, using the mind to submit to, learn from, and glorify God. A crying infant is not only distracting others from those actions, but is also not himself immediately benefiting from being present. That is not say there are no benefits from infants and young children in worship. They are welcome and encouraged to be present but not at a high cost to the attention and devotion of your neighbors. Yes, transitioning into congregational worship has to take place at some point but training starts outside the sanctuary, not in it.
With Respect to Your Family
So what do you do with the child who’s not helping or being helped in worship? What do you do when your kids don’t like church? What are you options when others are being distracted by your progeny? Our practices go a long way towards bringing about the heart worship that God desires from us and in our children. These are five suggestions to moving your family towards more purposeful worship.
- Be Patient – Remember that as a parent in addition to directing your house to worship the Lord (Josh 24:15), you are also creating a context for worship, a path in which to walk (Dt 6:6ff, 11:18ff, 1 Kings 2:1-4). It’s never just one conversation or one thing you do. It takes time and discipline and prayer and the Spirit working as He wills to bring that about.
- Acknowledge that corporate worship is work – Here’s a little secret…corporate worship isn’t fun. It isn’t supposed to be fun. We sometimes try to convince ourselves that it should be fun or we can make it fun but it’s not. The reality is that Sundays are made difficult with special clothes, broken routines, and sitting for an hour and a half in one place with little wiggle room (twice!). Entertainment is (and should be) lacking. Worship is work. Being joyful takes work too or otherwise it wouldn’t be such a frequently repeated command in Scripture. Let your children know that we don’t go to worship merely to endure nor to be entertained, but to work. Because of this we can be honest and have some lowered expectations for their anticipation.
- Expect Age-Appropriate Engagement – Now, while we may lower expectations for the attitude of children, we raise our expectations for their learning to worship well. We always demand that they not be serious distractions (a little wiggling is not the end of the world), but we also expect them to grow in what they are capable of. Expect a four year old to sing the Gloria Patri and Doxology which they should have memorized by repetition. Expect a six or seven year old to be doing their best to sing from the hymnal and psalter. Expect a ten year old to listen for details. Expect a 16 year old to own it all for himself.
- Train to Appreciate – A fourth thing to do is give our children help: motivation for worship, explanations of the elements of worship, reminders about how and when and why to participate at different points. Give them things to think about on their way to worship. For instance the introit, the opening piece of music before the call to worship, is used as a musical announcement that the King is entering in. It’s supposed to create expectation for the next element, God’s speaking to the congregation in the call to worship. They should understand that when they confess their sin, God speaks back to them a word of forgiveness, that the corporate prayer is a prayer of the whole church and not just the one praying, that the benediction is God having the last “good word” to us as a blessing. These lessons don’t need to come all at once, but over time, as they mature in their understanding, they should gain knowledge to go along with it.
- Worship at Home – Finally, I mentioned it before but will say it again with more clarity: Training for worship begins at home, not in the sanctuary. Family worship is the place to exercise patience, practice sitting still, listen without interruption, and engage the word with the mind. These are skills to be developed. They are not instinctive. Five or six nights a week will go a long way toward making Sundays more profitable for everyone. But it only works if you develop some expectation at home that fit with the bigger family you worship with on Sundays.
We can’t say everything that needs to be said but we can move in the right direction. If you took the time to read this far, take a few more minutes to audit your family’s practices in worship. Are you loving others? Are you helping everyone in engaging their heart? Are you working at worship? Or in the way you bring children to worship are you actually hindering them from coming to Christ?
Scotty is a native of Santa Anna, Texas. He graduated from the United States Air Force Academy in 1994 and completed his Masters of Divinity at Greenville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in 2005. Scotty’s Air Force service of eleven years included time as a Security Forces Officer protecting nuclear weapons and also instructing at Officer Training School before being called into pastoral ministry. He and his wife Kerry are parents of three children, Clayton, Avery, and Grace.
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