Hey Parents,
Have you ever heard yourself say, “Alright! That’s enough! No more !” (Fill in that blank with some carelessly made edict). Or your refrigerator is adorned with a list of “25 Laws of This House”. Or maybe you’ve multiplied rules to the point that you’re children just seem confused and apathetic toward them.
I confess that I’m more than a little embarrassed to live in the time and place that I do. My embarrassment is over the small things that have become a fixture in our daily living: warnings that coffee is hot, that peanut butter may contain nuts or nut byproducts, that college campuses require safe words and trigger warnings before discussing Mark Twain. But we’re also not the first culture ever to pile on the rules.
The Pharisees were notorious for taking the law (the rules God gave his people) and both applying them to people who didn’t need them and multiplying them upon people who did. Jesus famously said to them: …“Woe to you lawyers also! For you load people with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers” (Luke 11:46). Their sin was not in being scrupulous to follow all the laws of God carefully, but in making themselves the law and at the same time not measuring up to either God’s law or their own. They had stopped serving the cause of God and had become servants of themselves. Their rules validated their own existence and place in the world more than it helped anyone please God.
Parents can be guilty of the same thing in a similar way. How many times have you organized the economy of your house around you. How many “policies” have you instituted that were not so much about sanctification, love, or honoring God and were more about placating you. To rule wisely, which you’re called to do, takes thoughtful deliberation on your part. It’s frequently worth slowing down, reflecting on the Scriptures, deliberating, and then implementing what you’re after. He are some “Rules” for rules, principles to keep in mind when getting your house in order:
- Constantly Promote the Source of Your Righteousness (See above) – This is a critical. You are righteous because Jesus is righteous for you. Without Jesus then even your rightest righteousness is filthy rags in his sight (Is 64:6). Don’t let a made bed be the measure of holiness (and that’s from a guy passionate about made beds).
- Major on Biblical Commands, Wisdom, and Discernment AND Minor on Rules – Think of rules as occasional necessary evils. Remember this: every rule you make becomes an occasion for sin (Rom 4:15). If Dad sets a rule, and it’s broken, however foolish that rule may have been, the one who breaks it has disobeyed his father. He has sinned against heaven and earth because children are to obey their parents. That’s a lot of power in a parent. Be judicious.
- When you make rules make wise rules:
- Wise rules are grounded in Scripture.
- Wise rules are those you intend to inspect, enforce, and for which you are willing and able to give consequences.
- Foolish rules are grounded in self-protection and self-promotion.
- Foolish rules are hasty, difficult to keep, and unenforceable. Remember, Christ’s yoke is easy and his burden is light (Mt 11:29-30)
- Explain the wisdom of actions/rules (Commensurate with age) – Children need to be able to obey without justification, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t helped by explanation. Justifying means that you:
- Ground your rules in biblical commands and wisdom to your children. It’s the word of God, not your rules, that will keep them from sinning against God (Ps 119:11)
- Teach your children what is wise and how the rules you do have are towards ultimately doing what God requires wherever God’s providence takes them.
- Parent out of a funnel – When children are young, there will be more rules. Dangers abound for little ones and they need to be protected from them. As they get older, rules need to be shed. Yes driving and dating add room for a few more directions, but the idea is that they are soon transitioning to being completely outside your rules and only under the rule of Christ. You want Christ’s law to be the one they leave home with and not to be one among many that they can’t wait to get out from under.
Rules are not in the least unbiblical. They serve a purpose. And that’s the very thing to remember with rules…they’re meant to serve…not to be served, but to serve. Rules must serve to guide, restrain, warn, give discernment, and make habits of godliness. Make sure that you make them in service to Christ, and not yourself.
Scotty is a native of Santa Anna, Texas. He graduated from the United States Air Force Academy in 1994 and completed his Masters of Divinity at Greenville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in 2005. Scotty’s Air Force service of eleven years included time as a Security Forces Officer protecting nuclear weapons and also instructing at Officer Training School before being called into pastoral ministry. He and his wife Kerry are parents of three children, Clayton, Avery, and Grace.
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