Family

Teaching Your Child Self Control

Posted on by Carl Robbins

Beginning in mid-April we’ll be focusing on all kinds of family-related discussions in our morning worship service. This is because we’ll come to that portion of the Letter to the Ephesians where the Apostle Paul gives Holy Spirit inspired counsel on marriage & parenting.
In preparing to preach on these matters I’ve been looking at a host of issues related to parenting. One that keeps emerging is the issue of the necessity of teaching your children self-control, self-discipline and self-denial.

Your child comes out of the womb with NO self-control. This is a large part of their fallen nature. They want the wrong things and they want them NOW! And, to make matters worse, they rarely see examples of control.

There used to be a cultural consensus that grown-ups should be self-controlled. But now reality tv programs show people behaving badly with no self-control of their emotions or words or actions. In college & pro sports star athletes throw tantrums when calls don’t go their way.

So, your task as a parent is to teach them “self-government” or “self-mastery”. They are not a leaf to be blown about by the wind – they have the ability to exercise control of their desires, speech and actions. Certainly it takes teaching, shaping and correcting by faithful, consistent parents, but they CAN control their responses to people, events, and circumstances.
Let me point out FIVE areas of your child’s world where you (mom/dad) must train them to be self-controlled:

  • Time Management – Your child was not born with any sense of how to spend their time. Have you noticed that they have immense patience to sit thru hour after hour of media (television, computer, electronic games), but seem baffled when they must sit thru a worship service or Sunday School class? So, mom/dad- your task is to limit their exposure to entertainment & media and fill their days with chores (where else are they going to develop a work ethic?), physical play, music, quiet times & reading widely. If YOU don’t teach them self-discipline with their time where will they learn it?
  • Food – Your young child does not have good nutritional insight. They don’t want fruit and vegetables, or normal portions of food, at regular times. They want to eat sugary junk and in large measures and at any time that the compulsion hits them. That’s because they don’t possess self-control. Your task is to control this by not having the junk in your house or available to them. The consumption of food should take place around a table, with family members, and should be joined with interaction. It is not the job of the President’s wife to teach your children self-control with food – it is your task!
  • Friendships – Your children were not born with relational discernment! Give your child the wisdom of Proverbs here, about avoiding friendships with certain types of people (Proverbs 13:20). Do not fall into the pattern of allowing your child to spend chunks of time with whoever is nearby (convenience relationships). The right friendships are worth driving across town for! Teach them to be self-disciplined in their relational choices, not gravitating towards the fool or the angry kid, knowing that child will always pull them downward. Teaching your children relational self-control early is vital. If they learn to not desire relationships with the ungodly early in life, they will have practice at self-control when they hit the age of attraction to the opposite sex. You want them to be able to say “no” to serious relationships with unbelieving guys/girl…no matter how cute they are.
  • Emotions – You see it everywhere. Four year olds melting down, screaming tantrums at the grocery store, the restaurant. No self-control of their anger or volume. And parents seemingly unable to deal with them. Usually making excuses for them; “He’s really just tired” or “She usually doesn’t act this way”. When I see such things I am always reminded of what John Witherspoon (the only minister to sign the Declaration of Independence) said about parenting: “There is not a more disgusting sight than the impotent rage of a parent who has no authority.” Get Lou Priolo’s book (see below) and devour it. Then, read it again. Then implement it!
  • Speech – Proverbs goes into excruciating detail describing the fool who sins with his tongue and the consequences that follow. Your task, as a parent, is to shape your children’s speaking, so that they understand and practice wise, restrained speech.

Who is going to teach them self-control, self-discipline and self-denial in these areas? This is NOT the job of the school or the media. This is Ground Zero of parenting. If you are a newlywed and thinking of having children – this is what you are signing up for: constant instruction & discipline of an eternal soul, in the school of self-control.

The reason why so many evangelical youth go to college and crash and burn is that they have not been taught SELF-control. They have been controlled by a parent for 18 years, but have not developed any self-discipline of their own. And when the restraints of mom and dad are removed they run straight towards excess: no time management, no discernment in relationships and no focus on calling (i.e. to be a student).

So, here’s what you should do RIGHT NOW for your child:

  1. PRAY for them – As you pray for your children (you DO pray for your children, right ?) pray first and foremost for their conversion, for a real work of transforming, sovereign grace. A time when God gives them the gifts of evident repentance and clear, strong, saving faith in Christ alone. Then pray for the work of the Holy Spirit in them – giving them evident, maturing fruit (Galatians 5) especially the fruit of self-control, self-discipline, even self-denial!
  2. Regularly read and discuss the best resources – none of these contain an ounce of psychobabble or worldly wisdom, but are jammed full of biblically authoritative counsel:
    • Withhold Not Correction, by Bruce Ray – Sandy and I have (at last count) given away over 100 copies of this marvelous 140 page book.
    • The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo – this is an excellent resource on addressing a common problem with children who have self-control issues.
    • Teach Them Diligently, by Lou Priolo – Not only is this an outstanding and biblically-saturated tome, but “Captain Scotty Anderson” is acknowledged in the preface!
    • The Duties of Parents, by J.C. Ryle – a classic. Here it is for free!
  3. Seek regular, wise, biblical counsel on your parenting – both Pastor Anderson and Pastor Dodds gladly spend part of their week helping parents with these sorts of issues. Call them, get on their schedule. Go to any class or seminar they are teaching on parenting.
Carl Robbins
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Carl Robbins
Carl is a native of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, a graduate of Crichton College and Covenant Theological Seminary. Pastor Robbins has served churches in South Carolina, Oklahoma and Nevada. In addition Carl has served on the board of crisis pregnancy centers, Christian schools and seminaries. He has spoken to college groups, medical school forums, state legislative groups, seminary chapels and church conferences. His special passion is training pastors in developing countries. Carl and wife Sandy have been married for 37 years(!) and are the parents of three believing, adult children: John and his wife DeAnna and their children (Bray, Emmie Ruth, and Maggie Grace), James and his wife Megen and their children (Jack and Lainey Janice), and Sarah and her husband Andrew Holmes. Carl and Sandy love OU football, big dogs, good Mexican food, and the beach—any beach, any time.