by Pastor Scotty Anderson
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4–7
When we talk about communication in marriage we most often deal with the words that come out of our own mouth. And, yes, that is extremely important. The sins of the tongue are manifold. Need a refresher? Sinful anger, not communicating willingly, blame-shifting, exhumation, scolding, put-downs, manipulation, harshness, lying, prophetic speculations, poor timing, disrespect, false accusations, sweeping generalizations, name-calling, hasty words, and not asking for forgiveness are just a few. All of these are real sins against both God and your spouse. And these can make for a lot of unresolved conflicts and a generally unpleasant home.
But I’d like to focus on the other side of the coin. Communication is a two-way street and too frequently we miss this truth. Sins of hearing may be just as devastating to our ability to live at peace as sins of speech.
Let’s start at 1 Cor 13:4-7 – the famous “Love Chapter” that has been read at so many weddings. There’s a sentimental way of saying these words (but more importantly, hearing them) that misses their point. When we actually listen to the words, it’s not so much talking about happily ever after, but commitment in unhappy circumstances leading to happiness in the “ever-after”. What the Apostle Paul says about love draws our attention away from ourselves and toward others who are hard to love. These few verses then have much to say about how we listen in our marriage communication. Here are four specific love-commitments we make as we hear our spouse:
Love does not behave rudely – The idea of rudeness here is closer to immodesty. Immodesty in listening is most frequently seen in interrupting, something universally despised in civil discourse. How many times have you been trying to work through an issue, and you could not wait to get your words out, so you stepped on their words? Was this your way of communicating to them you thought they were saying something important? Was this a demonstration of humility on your part? I’m pretty sure you know the answer. Interrupting is verbal bullying and it flies in the face of God’s requirement that we are quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19).
Love does not seek its own – One manifestation of being self-seeking is inattentiveness. When we either: a) don’t turn off the TV, or b) let our mind wander off to a happy place, or c) start formulating our rebuttal before our spouse has finished his or her thought, then we are being self-seeking. We’ve let a thing or idea or point rise above a person. It’s not that the other person can’t wait if necessary or helpful, but the appropriate response, if not to shift your attention to your spouse, is to at least make an appointment to devote yourself to the issue (Mt 22:39).
Love is not provoked – When you love the other, you don’t view what the other says as antagonistic toward you. This involves real self-control in thoughts. And it goes beyond just recognizing that something wasn’t meant to be provoking, but has to account for the fact that you may have been intentionally needled by your other half. To not be provoked when provoked requires the Holy Spirit’s help (Gal 5:22).
Love does not think evil – How well are you at believing the best about the one who is speaking to you. That means, that even though you may disagree, you are still going to put the most positive spin on what is being said and the motivation for saying it. Consider this example: “Sweetheart, I’m going to need $200 for new clothes”. Thinking evil interprets this as – “I selfishly want to waste money on unnecessary extravagances.” Believing the best as “I have stretched my current wardrobe and as far as I can discern, it’s a necessity to replace a few things.” The right interpretation might actually be the bad one, but love demands starting with the second and working your way back to the first through discussion. It’s as simple as treating others as you want to be treated (Luke 6:31).
More could obviously be said about this passage and on the subject of listening well. But the underlying principle remains the same. Be humble. Look outside your self. Focus on the other person for the moment. I’m actually embarrassed to say it because it’s more than a little circular, and yet still it needs to be said: to hear, we need to listen.
Scotty is a native of Santa Anna, Texas. He graduated from the United States Air Force Academy in 1994 and completed his Masters of Divinity at Greenville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in 2005. Scotty’s Air Force service of eleven years included time as a Security Forces Officer protecting nuclear weapons and also instructing at Officer Training School before being called into pastoral ministry. He and his wife Kerry are parents of three children, Clayton, Avery, and Grace.
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