A frequent question I’m asked by younger parents is, “What is discipline actually supposed to look like?” If we didn’t have a good example in our own childhood it’s easy to adopt emotionally and reactionary methods to what our parents might have done with us when they were trying to point us in the way we ought to go. Believers should know they’re not without a guide in these things, and the way to discipline is a very logical and compassionate process.
Because the topic can be so controversial, I’ll start with the caveat…Situations can be different. Some children and some occasions may require a slightly or even very different approach. Age and maturity matter. Circumstances matter. Your own disposition matters. But for the sake of simplicity, and expecting wisdom to be used with any method, this is a basic framework for disciplining young children. I don’t think anything about it is original (at least I hope it’s not) except maybe the fact that I’ve found a way to start each one with the letter “I” (And I doubt that’s worth claiming). Hopefully you’ll find it useful.
1. Inform: Establish the Standard – You must give clear instruction and set clear standards. Don’t give yourself room to doubt what they said. Also, don’t underestimate their ability to understand it. This is the beginning of the effectiveness of the word: 2 Tim 3:16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness… Teaching precedes correction because correction without teaching is cruel.
2. Investigate: Confront & Establish – When you think a child (or anybody) has violated a clear standard, confront them and establish the facts. If you don’t witness sin directly then you have to be careful. More than once I’ve responded to something I suspected I heard rather than witnessed, missing the warning of Proverbs 18:13, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” You may have shared in the similar situation where another accuser gets you’re righteous temperature up and you’re ready to meet out justice only to discover later that you didn’t have the whole story. Deuteronomy 19:15 is a helpful guide for these situations “A single witness shall not suffice against a person for any crime or for any wrong in connection with any offense that he has committed. Only on the evidence of two witnesses or of three witnesses shall a charge be established.”
3. Isolate from Distractions – Remove your child from the view of others so that you can get their full attention. Remember the goal is to get to their heart, not to inflict punishment on them. This is truly an application of Col 3:21, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Most wives have learned that a husband can be difficult to talk to when a game is on. It’s not because a husband doesn’t care about his wife, he’s just distracted. The same is true for little ones and big ones. Respect them and love them enough to move them to a context where they can give you their full attention without further embarrassment and where they are not as likely to miss the point you’re trying to get across.
4. Identify the Sin to Them AND It’s Biblical Alternative – This is where you move them toward a godward orientation. In Ephesians 4 and Colossians 3 Paul explains and gives very helpful examples of the “Put-Off and Put-On” principle. It’s simple. Say to your child, “You did _____. You should have done _____ instead.” Our Confessional Standard are helpful as well. The Westminster Larger Catechism (WLC 99.C) explains “That as, where a duty is commanded, the contrary sin is forbidden; and, where a sin is forbidden, the contrary duty is commanded.” This means you have to be clear: “God says, ‘Obey you’re father and mother’ (Eph 6:1-2). You told Mommy, ‘No’. When Mommy says to obey you say, “Yes ma’am. And obey right away”.
5. Issue the Consequence: Consequences are the great teacher in life. Some lessons we learn because we hear and believe or we watch and learn. Other lessons we’re not as excited about accepting and this is where consequences get our attention and steer us where we need to go. The Proverbs are so helpful here: Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Specific Consequences (Rod or Natural Consequences) – Tell them what the consequences are and administer them with consistency, confidence, conviction, and love. It’s a rescue mission for their soul every time.
Verbal, Specific Repentance (Possible Restoration) – Make sure you include their verbal repentance and restitution as necessary. Normally it means them saying the words, “Mommy, will you forgive me for disobeying. I should have said ‘yes ma’am’ and done what you said.” Sometimes it also means handing back the toy to the one from whom they liberated it or replacing it with a better one from their own. Having them follow through here is as much as part of discipline as rod itself. The pain of repenting and restoring is an amazing teacher.
6. Implore God for Mercy and Grace – Pray with them and for them and when they are capable have them pray and ask God for forgiveness. Make sure your theology intrudes into your prayers (James 5:15-16). “Lord _____ has sinned against You. Forgive him for Jesus sake. Lord send your Spirit into his heart to make it new.”
7. Impress Upon Them Your Love – Finally, make sure they know they are restored to you. Give them hope that with Christ all thing are new (2 Cor 5:17). That they can have a new heart. That you love them. As a parent you are imitating God in his discipline and so it is fundamentally an act of love.
Should you hit all these steps every time? Pretty much. But it’s not as complicated as it may seem and it varies with each occasion. Don’t get caught up in this as a method but principles of God’s word that are occasions for you to daily witness to your child your love for them and concern for their holiness while you also bear witness to your trust in God for them.
If you haven’t read the amazing story of Rosaria Butterfield, it’s hard to recommend many books more for validation of the work of the Holy Spirit. Butterfield tells the story of her conversion out of life as a lesbian and liberal university professor to become the believing wife of a Reformed and Presbyterian Pastor. She is typically very deliberate in her thinking and I appreciate her clarity. Below is a passage that I saved from Butterfield on adoption from her first book, Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert:
